Story by Ilma Khan, translated from Hindustani by Janees
Songs of Freedom bring stories from women — certainly not victims, not even survivors but fighters against the patriarchal status quo with support from the organisation Shaktishalini
–Sanjay Kumar, founder, pandies‘1
Dr.Ilma Khan is 24 years old, was born and brought up in Rampur, Uttar Pradesh, India. She is studying BUMS (Bachelor of Unani Medicine & Surgery) and currently practising in the same field. Ilma loves to describe herself as ambitious, flawless and fearless, believing in ‘good vibes’, big dreams, and self-love always.
Dear Me . . .
2023
This year I met the most broken version of me, but also the strongest…
24 years ago…
Wednesday, 11 November 1998,
I was born into a family where when a woman is pregnant, she was expected to deliver a baby boy, but I was born…
I do not remember my childhood, but I do remember my family always wanting a boy. And so here we are with seven sisters now and one brother. I always wonder why they always wanted a son? What would have changed in their lives if they had a male child?
This greatly impacted my life and I decided to take matters in hand. I decided to do all the work which a boy could do. That didn’t seem to help much because I was constantly reminded of my ‘disabilities’, that ‘physically I was a girl and I should know my limits’, that I ‘should remember that one day when I would turn eighteen and I would get married. My parents’ house was just another impermanent motel’.
So, I started believing that this is my parents’ house and after marriage I would go to my husband’s house. But what if … they tell me someday that, ‘this is NOT YOUR home!’.
THEN WHERE EXACTLY IS MY HOME?
— LETTER TO MYSELF —
Dear Ilma,
I am meeting you after so long. You know it's been six years since we talked…
Just wanted to tell you that you were so genuine and innocent. I remember you always worried about little things, but you know this time it's different -- as in a ‘good different’. The Ilma I know now is strong enough to face her own journey. She has faith that she can always stand up for herself. The only things that haven't changed are the fact that she still likes to chill like you, she loves the rain, she does everything which is full of madness and enjoys every little moment of her life, she loves snow too…Though you were quieter than her you know. This Ilma -- she is aggressive, bold -- unlike your shy and scared self…
Oh yes and her nails have finally grown. She doesn't gnaw her nails like you. She loves to put paint on these. Can you imagine that?
Since that time, I started dreaming of having my home, a life full of adventures and freedom. But as I grew older, my family and relatives started asking about marriage. I was studying in college at that time.
I was completely shattered that I was very close to my career goals, but all this will stop me from achieving my dreams. Religion of course played a very important role in my life, as I was allowed to do things under ‘some limits’ because my family believed so.
I was just sixteen years old when my engagement was fixed with one of my cousins while my heart cried out in loud protest. But I was not able to express this to anyone. I decided that I would do something for myself — so that I could respond to all that was happening to me in which family members were complicit.
I had studied hard. When I completed school. I gave entrance exams and got selected for the medical profession. Since that time, I have been trying to tell my family members that I do not want to marry the person they choose.
Everything was going fine. I was living my life, but one call changed everything.
— LETTER TO MYSELF —
Dear Ilma,
I know you always wonder how you will pursue your career, how you will live your life if allowed to live on your own terms, about how smooth things will go if a person or your family will let you go or just abandon you or not want you to live by their rules.
But don't worry now because time has changed things, she is doing every single thing step by step, the way you thought it would be in future.
She is here to fulfill your dreams. I know you love to help the one in need. You know she has got a platform where she learns these things and is helping other ‘survivors’.
I promise when you will see this Ilma, you will be amazed because she is exactly the way you wanted her to be.
My mother called me, and said, “We are coming to pick you up after 3 days. You are getting married. Resign and come back with us. We have to do the preparations.”
I was silent. I could not utter a single word during the call. A feeling of hopelessness and helplessness mauled at me.
Somehow, I managed to muster the courage, assemble my shattered self together and called my mother –
“I don’t want to resign. I want to work. I want to be financially independent. I can’t marry now. This is not the right time.”
“No! You are 23 now and this is the right age. We have made the decision!”
“I don’t want to marry that person. He is annoying and this is final! I am not coming home!”
“How dare you talk like this? We are coming now to get you and you have to come with us. There’s nothing you can do about it.”
I was thinking about my next step. I took help from an NGO2 and they helped me. When my parents came, they promised that they would not ask me to marry any person and they would allow me to study. Somehow, they managed to convince me emotionally, and I decided to go back home with them to celebrate the festival of Eid.
When we were home, suddenly the behaviour of my mother changed, she snatched my phone and said, “Now do whatever you can? We will see how you will say no to marriage. There, we were helpless because of that NGO but now it’s all our say.”
REMEMBER THAT HEIGHT OF FEAR WHEN…
Her parents abused her physically with a belt, blood was coming out from her nose and head.
After all those arguments her parents finally decided to take her life and locked her in a room.
She was locked up in a room, with no hope of light in the darkest time. She was afraid, they were talking outside the room – planning and plotting. Her uncle was fighting with her family members to let her live. He was asking them not to kill her – to spare her. She lost all hope. Every second she was breathing, thinking this could be the last, this could be the last… this could… be the… last.
It was difficult to control her emotions. Her nose was bleeding, her tears were not coming out, her lips were dry with fear, she was shivering that this could be her last day and she could do nothing to save herself.
You’re alive today, Ilma. You lived through that time. The peak of fear.
But somehow, I was saved… and then I was screaming, crying… I wanted to disappear.
The next day I decided to do anything and everything to save myself, my life. I contacted many NGOs and left my home…and never looked back. How did it all happen? I am yet to make sense of it. One moment, I was trapped and hopeless, and the next moment, I was running for life.
Since then, I have been independently living on my own. I am currently studying, and at some point, I think that everything needs to be left alone – your past, even your pain.
But, yes, I remember when I was young, I thought that I would be helping poor people and I would do something through which I could be the person who would make others happy…
I decided to be a doctor and today it gives me hope and happiness which I cannot define in words. The very first time when I went to the gynaecology department and my duty was in the labour room. When I went there regularly for one month, I used to practice how to deliver a baby. After a few months, I learnt to do that on my own and when I helped one of my patients in delivering her baby, that was the best thing that ever happened to me in life…
The smiles on their faces were precious. Her mother-in-law gave me her blessings and all of them were just so happy.
So many times, I have tried to save the lives of people, pushing through to give them hope even if the situations are not in their favour.
Today when I go to the hospital and my patients, who are very ill and are in pain, give their blessings placing their trust in me, I realise what I’m living for.
YOU SHOULD KNOW --
You were in a toxic relationship, you know, you should know about red flags now. Why do you chase such people who don't value you, who don't care about the efforts you put into everything? You know she wants to be valued and respected by every individual she has in her life.
Things are very different now, but those memories of you with your family, she misses that.
Tell everyone in the past that she has moved on from things and no one can make her feel inferior.
And at last, I just want to say that I am so proud of everything you’ve done. Because of you, she discovered that she is fierce, and strong, and full of fire, and that not even she could hold herself back because her passion burned brighter than her fears.
Will meet you soon. Love and only love.
ME. YOU. US.
I faced a lot of hardships in life – mentally, physically, verbally, and socially. Despite being triggered by those memories I chose to live… I chose to live freely, I chose to love myself, I chose to owe myself a life which I dreamt of from an early age.
I was scared, but I realised that I am my own power. On certain days, when self-doubts creep in, I tell myself that I am worth every great thing. All that I have done till now. I am capable of reaching my dreams even if they’re beyond the stars. It’s only a matter of time. You look back and thank yourself for not giving up and for treating yourself with respect and kindness.
Now I am manifesting my life, my dream and everything I have wanted. I am becoming the best version of myself, and I deserve good things. This moment is always precious to me, the most satisfying moment of my life.
And I think once you choose HOPE, everything is possible in life…
Janees is an independent researcher and theatre practitioner associated with Pandies’ for quite some time.
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