When and how do you know when it is time to change your life, job, relationship, friends, plans or location? Keith Lyons examines the push and pull factors of change
If you ever feel trapped in a predictable, boring routine, or wake with a nagging feeling that something isn’t quite right with your life, perhaps it is time to take action. But how can you decide to leave your familiar workplace, hometown, or social networks and start a fresh career, move to another place, or find new friends? And what happens if the grass isn’t greener on the other side – and it doesn’t work out?
These are the dilemmas many of us face at different stages of our lives. The challenge when we’ve got just a bit too comfortable and lazy in our comfort zone. The inner voice that whispers of incredible opportunities in other places. The gut feeling that reminds us that right here and now we aren’t living our best life.
If most Sunday evenings a sense of dread creeps up on you, and you feel you aren’t able to be your true self, maybe it is time for a change. But how can you escape the harsh circumstances of your life, whether it is your fate or misfortune, largely out of your control?
I believe there are many aspects of our lives that we can influence. We can be the architects of better lives, authors of inspiring life stories, creators of meaningful existences.
But first, we need to take stock, and clearly identify what the problem is, so we can find solutions that will work. A useful exercise is to write down all the things which are making us unsatisfied.
A list makes tangible our concerns, showing not just the things which irk us, but also providing guidance on what we are seeking on the other side. Whether it is a relationship, role or place which is the issue, it could be because you don’t feel fulfilled, engaged, valued/appreciated or inspired where you are right now.
For some, it is the negativity of the environment or culture, while others are held back from being their authentic selves by too much drama, toxicity, and hostility. Ultimately it might come to whether you like the person you are right now.
If you are shrinking rather than growing, and bending over instead of standing tall, it might be time to move on, if you can. Looking back on my life, in my late 30s my significant long-term relationship ended, and as I came to the end of a job contract, I didn’t feel in a good space, living in a damp house, feeling depressed about how things had worked out and the gloom of winter. I thought back to the last location I felt content and happy, and booked a flight to get back to a place where I’d lingered while on holiday. That move — to a place some 10,000kms away — did work out, but I had never imagined previously that I would end up moving to live and work in a very foreign, yet welcoming, country that was a world away from my mundane existence.
Let’s also acknowledge that in some circumstances, you can’t easily extricate yourself from ties, responsibilities, relationships and locations. For example, you might have duties to your family, expectations around obligations to others, or constrains on moving — ranging from financial and political to cultural and social.
Ideally, you want to find your place, your tribe. You want to be surrounded by others who understand and support you. That could mean hoping for a geographic cure, or even finding your community of peers whose values align with yours online.
The hardest part is overcoming your fears and anxieties going from the familiar to the unknown. You might have the concern that things won’t work out. Or the worry that you will never be happy, and that there is something wrong with you. That’s perfectly normal. No, there isn’t something wrong with you — this is just a reality of our existence. Change is scary.
Those who’ve made tough choices in their lives report it does take courage to put into action the difficult decisions, but once the first step is made towards a fresh start, it can be liberating and empowering beyond expectation.
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Keith Lyons (keithlyons.net) is an award-winning writer and creative writing mentor originally from New Zealand who has spent a quarter of his existence living and working in Asia including southwest China, Myanmar and Bali. His Venn diagram of happiness features the aroma of freshly-roasted coffee, the negative ions of the natural world including moving water, and connecting with others in meaningful ways. A Contributing Editor on Borderless journal’s Editorial Board, his work has appeared in Borderless since its early days, and his writing featured in the anthology Monalisa No Longer Smiles.
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