By Munaj Gul Baloch
Mehr’s fingers shivered as she turned the pages of Patrick Hamilton’s Slaves of Solitude. The words in the pages distorted together, but her mind was elsewhere, stuck in a maze of solitude.
Five years and seven months of isolation had made her life dazed with unrelenting queries. Mehr frequently grilled herself… how could she bring her past back? That would be impossible, but it had been beautiful and sad too. She had lost her companion, Nohan, to cancer that night more than five years ago. Nohan, from Mehr’s school cohort, had been her soulmate. During the recess at school, he often says to Mehr, “You are as fine-looking as the moon,” looking at Mehr’s brown eyes with a pure smile on his lips. She never praised but had deeply admired him.
The consciousness of Nohan and Mehr were akin. They loved gentle breeze, striking mountains, the elegant water of Nihing River, and the scenario of Jaalbaar. Most of their debates were grounded on the veneration of Balochistan’s beauty. Mehr had always aired her life’s grievances to Nohan and found relief in being with him. Since the day Nohan had departed from the world, she was in the room – alone.
Her room, once an asylum for her companions, now turned into a prison. The gentle breeze, the echoes of mountains, and the rain created a forlorn opus, adding her depression. Each drop of rain haunted her and reminded her of bygone days. Memories of her past unsettled and haunted her even in her most blessed hours. Her eyes, once perky, now seemed grey, weighed down by the tears she had shed in the isolated room with the pages of the book.
A voice whispered to her, “Take my hand, or you will go astray here—in the world of solitude.” Mehr’s heart pranced a beat. She spun around, however, there was no one there. She remained astound. Past mid night, the voice persisted again, “Look, there is a yellow river beside your room, flowing with blood and sorrows.” The words dripped torment. All of a sudden, Mehr’s gaze drifted towards the window, and for a moment, she saw nothing around. It was so dark, she found a yellowish glow, and after some seconds, the yellowish glow died out.
It was still raining outside. The voice continued to haunt her. Mehr felt like she was drowning in a sea of despair. Afterwards, something budged. The night turned into another day. She picked up another book, One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, which was kept in her personal collection. But nothing changed. She still felt a sense of nervousness.
Mehr’s heart swelled with sensation as she approached the word solitude in the pages of the book. She smiled, and felt a weight lift off her shoulders. For the first time in years, she felt a sense of belonging. Though, the solitude, the memories, and the voices – they had all been a manifestation of her own fears and doubts. She smiled and knew that she still had a long way to go – perhaps an unknown destination. The phrase “Solitude is a kind of freedom” would continue to roll on her mind. She found solace in solitude– a feeling she could own. She lived by the line that said, “In solitude, the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself.”
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Munaj Gul is a lawyer based in Turbat, Balochistan. He tweets @MunajGul
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