By Farouk Gulsara
I decided to care for my ailing octogenarian mother, not because she willed me a great fortune or because I have a great liking to care for the sick. Neither do I want to gaslight her for all the not-so-nice things she said about me and my family in better health all through her healthy life.
I volunteered because, given the circumstances the rest of my siblings were in, I was in the best position to keep her. As the son and her firstborn, I had to also fulfil my filial duties. Maybe, I thought, that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Everything has a price. All that nocturnal supply of breast milk and immaculate care during the trying times of infancy and toddlerhood are not free. Maybe she drilled it subliminally into my young mind as she nursed me during those formative years.
Through her babbling and rumbling, I can see she is not happy where she is now. Her apoplexy-stricken grey cells cannot comprehend that her lifeless limbs cannot carry her atrophied body to care for herself. Yet, she wants to stay on her own. She wants to be the Queen of her little space and controller of her destiny. In her demented mind, she imagines herself as her usual 30-year-old buxomly go-getter who wants to pave a future for her three children.
She explicitly expresses her dissatisfaction to her caretaker (i.e. me) with cusses and hurtful words a mother would not utter to her offspring; however, she is not in control. She sees herself as the young lady she once was, with a one-track mind to succeed despite whatever curveballs life throws. She wants to walk back to her house, some 300km away, the home she and my father built so many years ago. She vehemently thinks she can.
She grew up never having anything called coming of age. She whizzed through her adolescence and early teenage years like it was a non-event. Robbed of a mother at 15 to breast cancer, she grew up fast to fit into her working boots. She had to fend for herself. Her widowed father did not want to be bogged down by his four teenage children running around clinging to his trousers, demanding this and that. After all, he was young and had a life to live. Even before the soil settled on his wife’s grave, her father was already busy wooing his new wife. This early loss and the subsequent responsibilities she had to shoulder shaped her into the person she is today.
Without a mother’s embrace to comfort and a shoulder to lay her uncertainties on, this teenage girl became an adult overnight. She looked at the world as an evil beast waiting to engulf her. Her view of the future was bleak; she wanted to be prepared for a rainy day, even for the monsoon season. This outlook apparently has stayed until now. She thought it worked for her then; why should it not work for her now.
I do not want this current image of my mother as the only memory of her for the rest of my life. I long for the nurturing mother of my toddler years, with her cooking and bedtime stories. I long for that comforting mother.
May this transition be smooth for both of us. May you forgive me for all the times, I get angry with you, and for all the times you make it challenging to care for yourself. I must tell myself that you have lost that one thing that makes a human a human—rational thinking and free will. Your actions do not reflect your inner soul. They are mere peripheral reflexes responding to defective neuronal connections. This role of a caregiver is not easy, and I acknowledge the difficulties it brings.
I forgive you for all the pain and hard times you gave me growing up. You did not believe in mollycoddling the children but chose to follow the example of a tiger mum. You did the best with your life experiences and what you learnt to be the best form of upbringing. Like you used to say, ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’ in your own way, your version sounded brutal. Your version was that there was nothing like an excellent periodic whacking to get the kids’ chakras aligned appropriately.
Rather than forgiving you, a thank you is long overdue for a work well done. Or it is not for me to say but the downlines who would be at the receiving end of my existence.
Farouk Gulsara is a daytime healer and a writer by night. After developing his left side of his brain almost half his lifetime, this johnny-come-lately decided to stimulate the non-dominant part of his remaining half. An author of two non-fiction books, Inside the twisted mind of Rifle Range Boy and Real Lessons from Reel Life, he writes regularly in his blog Rifle Range Boy.
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