By Anagha Narasimha
A cloud of dust erupted as the grand hall with chandeliers and decorated wall paintings was opened for the first time in a decade. The Council of Biryanis last gathered when they uncovered the advent of Biryani Ice-Cream and passed a unanimous resolution against it. Alas, if only the current controversy were as simple as that one! Biryanis have reigned over the entire region of India for the past one and a half centuries by adapting to the various cultures and traditions in this vast country. As the cliché goes, they have exhibited unity in diversity in the way they have stood the onslaught of noodles, momos, sushis, pizzas, burgers, etc. Yet, it is only now, in the era of social media, that their unity is truly being tested. Finally, they are faced with a bunch of conflicting views that have forced them to resolve it amicably before it takes the form of a full-fledged war.
The reason for the conflict was a simple tweet and the comments that ensued. One of the stand-up comedians, letting go of their fear of being jailed, took a dig at vegetable biryani. Their post read: “The world now has 8 billion people and 0 veg (or vegetarian) biryanis”. Nowadays, a tweet is mightier than a tabloid front cover, and that stand-up comedian learnt it the hard way. Meat lovers cheered, vegetarians/vegans booed, and some even claimed their religious sentiments were hurt (stand-up comics keep finding new ways to get behind bars!). Out of nowhere, self-designated linguistic experts showed up in the comments section to provide gyaan[1] on the etymology of the word “Biryani”. There was no dearth of prime-time news hour debates and they all debated the existence of Veg Biryani as that’s what the Nation wanted to know. A combined effect of all these pushed Biryanis to an existential crisis, and they gathered in the grand hall to settle it once and for all by putting the Veg Biryani through trial.
Mutton Biryani, the proud recipient of the “Most Popular Biryani Award”, sat at the centre of the table, displaying its aristocratic demeanour. Next to it, Beef Biryani sat thinking about the bleak future that lay ahead of it. It held a firm footing in certain parts; Whereas, had no existence, or even shunned because of its existence in other parts. Chicken Biryani sat opposite the Mutton Biryani, eyeing to replace the Mutton Biryani from being the most popular Biryani. Next to it, Fish Biryani sat with a smirk on its face, whose dominance in the coastal region was unparalleled (probably the reason behind the smirk).
While they were growing tired of the awkward silence, our central character, Veg Biryani, who does not command the same loyalty as that of his contemporaries, but manages to be in the good books of all, made its entrance.
“Do not tell me we are here because of the tweet of a buffoon!” Veg Biryani’s frustration knew no bounds.
Mutton Biryani, was ready with a reply in a sonorous voice, “We are afraid that is indeed the case.”
To which, Fish Biryani added, “We have entered the era of social media trial,” which elicited laughter from everyone.
Mutton Biryani quickly brought everyone back to the issue with its question, “So tell us why we should consider you a Biryani?”
For every “Why?” out there, the most convenient answer would be “Why not?” Veg Biryani started with the same. A few minutes of silence ensued, which forced Veg Biryani to elaborate. “The essence of Biryani is in the process of making it in layers. As long as you stick to the process, what you add to it is of no consequence.”
Chicken Biryani intervened: “That’s just one of the ways of cooking Biryani. You have the popular Biryanis originating from Tamil Nadu that aren’t layered.”
Beef Biryani added: “The Bengaluru’s beloved Donne Biryani isn’t layered.”
“So, put them on trial.” Veg Biryani ejaculated.
Mutton Biryani responded: “We are aware of the intersectionality and how different attributes such as place of origin, the type of rice, the spices, the aroma, and various other markers of difference intersect and reflect large social structures of gastronomic preference; However, our current issue is to decide whether meat is an essential and necessary requirement of Biryani?”
Veg Biryani wasted no time replying, “Well, in that case, you should answer that in the negative.”
Chicken Biryani responded, “We would be glad to do that once you present your argument.”
Veg Biryani tried everything at its disposal to not get furious and said, “What arguments are you asking for? This is a classic case of petitio principii[2]– your premises presume the very conclusion that you ask me to demonstrate. You define what amounts to a Biryani. You exclude me from the said definition. Then you ask me to prove why I must be considered a Biryani. This is preposterous.”
Beef Biryani, who was a mute spectator, could not resist its growing frustration at the fact that it had to lose out on a holiday to listen to this and muttered, “At the end of the day we all rely on some preposition which can neither be proved nor be disproved. Why can’t you skip to the part where you actually help us in deciding the issue at hand?”
Veg Biryani sighed and started, what seemed to be a long elaborated speech, “Traditionally…”
Which was cut short by Fish Biryani’s jape, “Traditionally there was no such thing as Veg Biryani.”
Ignoring the intended joke, Veg Biryani continued, “Traditionally, Biryani is supposed to be cooked with the bottom layer containing marinated meat, or any substitute, and the next layer consisting of rice along with all the spices. Remember what it means to be a Biryani. We always stood up to the grand ideals of inclusivity. Biryani finds a place in every household and on all occasions. It can embellish a royal feast, at the same time, satisfy the appetite of a common working human, yearning for comfort food. It can feature in the scintillating menu of a five-star restaurant, and at the same time, be the crowd puller in a small low-key food joint on the corner of a street. It is perhaps the only dish that can be served as breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Demographers refer to it as Omnipresent. It’s preferred all over India – North, South, East, West, and across all castes and religions. Secular in its letter and spirit. I beg you not to limit it to one particular strand of society by snatching away their Veg Biryani from them. Stay true to our vision – ‘Ghar Ghar Biryani Har Ghar Biryani[3].’
“Moreover, seventy per cent of Indians become vegetarians on Mondays or Thursdays or Saturdays. Some on all three days. And then there is Navratri, Shravana, Karthika[4], etc. etc. Don’t they deserve their Biryani during these long arduous days of staying a vegetarian? Do you want to further their suffering by making them feel like they are eating Pulao[5]?
“Now they are coming up with plant-based meat Biryani. How would you classify them? We are living in the era of neo-liberalisation. If you want to be truly global and compete with Pizzas and Burgers, you got to have Veg Biryani just like they have Veg Pizzas and Burgers. Especially when the whole world is going bonkers over veganism…”
Mutton Biryani interjected saying, “But the majoritarian sentiments are against it.”
Veg Biryani continued, “Since when did we start acting as per the majority?”
Fish Biryani said, “Ah, I’m not sure. But, my bet would be, when we accepted democracy.”
Veg Biryani replied, “Oh come out of the fantasy. When has the majority ever taken the right decision? That’s the reason we have this counsel. That is the reason why we have gathered here today.”
Mutton Biryani interjected, “All right. We have had enough. Let’s take a time out and get back in fifteen minutes with a decision.” Mutton Biryani walked out lighting a cigarette.
Veg Biryani, although, made an elaborate argument for inclusivity, somewhere felt it wasn’t convincing. That’s usually the case with ethos. You don’t let lengthy arguments cluttered with jargon cloud your judgment. It is the guiding principle differentiating truth from justification, which is embedded in all of us, where logic or reason holds little or no relevance. Veg Biryani was no different and was aware that the way to win the trial was not through sophisticated arguments. It was shrewd enough to know the politics that led to the trial and decided to play the same game as others in the trial. Chicken Biryani’s ambition to replace Mutton Biryani as the Most Popular Biryani was a piece of common knowledge and all that Chicken Biryani had to do was to push the right buttons to convert that ambition into animosity.
Veg Biryani, through highly reliable sources, got hold of a video clipping where Mutton Biryani displayed its contempt for Chicken Biryani openly. Mutton Biryani was heard saying, “Chicken Biryani was invented out of an accident. They invented it when one fine day there were more guests and they ran out of Mutton. Now this bugger wants to replace me. Biryani is synonymous with Mutton Biryani, and Chicken Biryani exists only because everyone can’t afford Mutton Biryani.” Veg Biryani made sure that the said video clipping reached Chicken Biryani’s mobile and they could hear Mutton Biryani and Chicken Biryani fighting over it outside. Fish Biryani, who was scrolling through social media, and Beef Biryani, who was going through account statements, were surprised that Mutton Biryani and Chicken Biryani were fighting over something as trivial as the result of this trial. Only Veg Biryani knew better and the fight reassured that its status as a Biryani continued un-besmirched. It had made a pact with Chicken Biryani and knew that Mutton Biryani would accede to Chicken Biryani’s demand to avoid a civil war.
Both, Mutton Biryani and Chicken Biryani entered the hall holding each other’s hand, with a hideous grin carved onto their countenance. Although Mutton Biryani wielded authority, it had no option but to pronounce Chicken Biryani’s verdict.
“It’s now time to put this squabble, masquerading as a trial, to rest. Whatever may be the dissensions, the practical needs and the ramification of denouncing the Veg Biryani from our closely-knit community, outweighs the trivial speculation as to the essential attributes of a Biryani; Wherefore, I declare that Veg Biryani…. remains a Biryani.”
Chicken Biryani was proud, Veg Biryani was relieved, and Mutton Biryani was dejected. As they all started to walk out, Fish Biryani proposed to make the concluding remarks. “Well, what I would like to say, gathering all the humility at my disposal, without an iota of intention to hurt anyone’s sentiment, while remaining steadfast to the ideals of truth and justice, upholding the true essence of Biryani, is… Crap! I forgot what I wanted to say…” None even waited to hear what Fish Biryani had to say as they were already at the door.
[1] knowledge
[2] Begging the question
[3] Translates to ‘Every home should have Biryani’.
[4] Festivals where some turn vegetarian
[5] The primary difference between a pulao and biryani is the method of preparation. Biryani is normally more spiced than a pulao.
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Anagha Narasimha C N, an advocate by profession, is also a poet and writer. His poems in Kannada and English are published in various online journals and he is actively involved in playwriting and theatre production.
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