Humour Poetry

Christmas Poems

By Rhys Hughes

Krampus on Campus

Dear Admissions Tutor

I am rather too mature

a fellow

to present myself to you

in this manner

(it is true)

but I believe potentially

I will have a

bright future

if you allow me to enrol

at your university.


And let me now explain

the meaning

of my name. Krampus

the word derives

from ‘claw’

and I am wearied by my

seasonal chores

which unlike those of

Santa Claus

involves punishing bad

children instead

of rewarding the good.


I am hairy,

my long tongue lolls

and I have cloven hoofs.

I leap across

your roofs at night

giving children such an

awful fright!

and this has been my role

for years.

To cap it all my head

has horns.

My appearance generally

as you can see

is hardly prepossessing

but that’s

how I was born.


And now

I’ve had enough!

I want a

change of career,

no more

nastiness and no

more fear.

I long to improve myself.

Please permit

me to enrol and achieve

my goal,

a Krampus on campus

will be quite

a boon to your noble


My essays will all

be referenced properly

with the correct


I promise this!

Yes, you

can provide the solution

to my woes!


I write this letter

with my talons crossed for luck.

I have inspected

your prospectus

and the course I choose is


and Cultural Studies,

modules one and two”

and in advance I am thanking

you. Sincerely yours,

without a fuss, Krampus.


P.S. What don’t

you want for Christmas?

A Krampus

Once I was an Elf

Once I was an elf

(a real elf)

and I was proud

and strong.

I loosed my arrows

at dragons

and never thought

it wrong

to engage in battle

with my other foes,

the goblins

of the underworld.


How I miss

those ancient days

with their better ways

when mounted

on a flying horse,

a quiver on my back,

I soared above

the mountain peaks

that chewed the clouds

like demon fangs,

ready to attack!


Few back then

were quite so bold

and fewer still

so keen to seek

mighty new heroic deeds

to perform each week.

Caring not for

fame or wealth

while swooping

from the sky,

I defeated giant lizards,

evil wizards

and necromancers

for I was an elf

well versed in magic

with nothing tragic

about my circumstances.


But times changed

as they always do

and the age of wonders

passed away,

for even valour

and honour too

must eventually decay.

I fell on hard times

like all the elves

and sold my golden arrows,

cut short my hair,

lost my flying horse

and begged for work


cursing the worsening

of my situation

until at last I found a boss

willing to take me on.


The work is seasonal

and very hard

and now is the busiest

time of year.

I sometimes weep

as I recall how long ago

the good times were

when to be an elf

earned both respect and fear.

I have become

little more than a slave

in the modern world

and it is cold

so near the North Pole.


Yes, once I was an elf

(a real elf)

but now I am a mockery

of myself.

I slay dragons no longer

but every day

I just make toys

from a very long list

for girls and boys

who doubt I even exist.


Rhys Hughes has lived in many countries. He graduated as an engineer but currently works as a tutor of mathematics. Since his first book was published in 1995 he has had fifty other books published and his work has been translated into ten languages.



One reply on “Christmas Poems”

“Once I was an elf” is a moving poem. The fall in its state is a home truth that strikes close, with people losing jobs everywhere. I was touched by the suggested penury and the erasure of identity that marks the poem.

Liked by 1 person

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