Tag: Shrewsbury

ADVICE IS FREE BECAUSE IT'S WORTHLESS

Go on a skiing holiday -- it will do you good.

You're a novice that doesn't walk with any
measure of style or grace, so fly off an
icy mountain at seventy miles an hour on
a pair on sticks,

olympic skiers get injured but you're exempt
from such physical injury because you're a
manager of a launderette,

ride a motorbike, it's the freest way to travel,
free to leave the road and land on your head
three fields away,

bungee jump! the ten second thrill 
is worth the trade off - whiplash and
long term spinal damage,

fly on an aircraft as often as you can,
you have more chance of getting struck
by lightning than crashing in an airplane.
Ignore the fact that unless the machine is
in perfect working order you could nosedive
from thirty thousand feet into an ocean bed
that is so deep the creatures there have teeth
shaped like tennis rackets,

undergo plastic surgery!

Put your blind faith in a bogus surgeon who
may consequently render you with half a chin
and no nostrils. Forget the post-op catastrophe,
okay so you entrusted a surgeon with the credentials
that extended to that of a pottery teacher -- he
fled with your cash and now you breathe through
your ears, but give it a go.

Ocean surf!

Take advice from the veteran surfers who lost
all their limbs and torsos to numerous shark 
attacks. They can still roll their heads onto the
surfboard. There is nothing more aesthetically
pleasing than watching a human coconut surf
on a giant pitta bread.

Get a tattoo!

The best way to pamper your soft, elegant, 
silky skin? -- deface it with ink! ink! A substance
that if spilt over your coffee table would spark
a major household crisis, but your precious 
velvety skin? -- screw it, you're good to go and
vandalise yourself with tacky meaningless ink stains.


THE BIG LIGHT

She made a candlelit dinner,
but without thinking he put
the big light on so he could
see what he was eating -- so
she left him,

keeping her happy was like
walking a tightrope for him,
and the night he put the big
light on, he fell screaming,

he hit the ground, unlike
the falling leaf he caught
when he placed it in her
palm and asked her to
make a wish,

he always forgave her, like
a bird forgives another for
stealing its bread,

and as he flew alongside her
he wondered how passing clouds
could find their way home,

he would talk about how the sun
and the rain could make pretty
rainbows - the colours of the flowers
on the mountain he climbed to pick
for her,

but without thinking he put
the big light on so he could
see what he was eating -- so
she left him,

finished her meal,

blew out the candles
and left him.


ANALOGY OF A POLITICIAN

Two schoolboys are summoned
to the headmaster's office for
stealing apples from a tree
belonging to a resident next
to the school field,

One of the boys admits to
stealing an apple, but tells
the headmaster that his friend
didn't take one -- though both
boys took an apple each,

one of the boys is given detention
but the 'innocent' boy escapes unpunished,

the 'innocent' boy tells the headmaster
he is profoundly remorseful for being
present at the scene of the 'crime',
and though regrettable he fully understands
the decision to punish his friend as it isn't
fair on the owner of the apple tree.

The 'innocent' boy is the politician.

Stephen Philip Druce is based in Shrewsbury UK. He is published in the USA, India, the UK and Canada. He’s written for theatre plays in London and BBC 4 Extra.

Contact: Instagram – @StephenPhilipDruce

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