I’M NOT HAPPY
I haven’t been happy for so long
I don’t even remember
How it feels to be happy
I’ve lost it
Somewhere along the way I lost it
And when I look back
And try to search for it
I find nothing
As if all the memories
That used to bring me joy
Have been eaten away
And all there’s left
Is a silent hollowness
And it feels so very mundane
So very normal
Like life has always been this way
So dead and wasted
So awful and useless
Even in the brightest of days
The sun can’t outshine the dark
And I don’t know how
To not notice it anymore
And I can’t hold it in anymore
But I can’t allow other people
To see me like this
I don’t want them to be sad
I don’t want them to cry
As they stare into my gloomy
Blank
Lifeless eyes
And witness the hell
That burns inside
I WISH I WERE STRONGER
I wish I could keep up the facade
But I can’t bear to plot through
Yet another masquerade
To paint happiness on sorrow
To say the lines without a hook
To pretend stars mean something in the sky
To act like nothing is wrong
When nothing is right
And smile
And smile
And smile
So nobody would worry about me
I know there’s a light somewhere
But I can’t pretend everything
Is just going to be all right
When it’s all still in my head
The unforgettable dreams
The inescapable present
The picture of a faceless man
Standing in an empty room
With no windows and no doors
Living a life
Punctured with an ache
That’s so fierce
So persistent
It breaks the spirit of his soul
And its will to resist
And I can’t help but wonder
Maybe the muzzle flash
Is the famous light
At the end of the tunnel
Everybody has been talking about
Koiko Tsuuda is a writer from a little town in Estonia. Originally, Koiko picked up writing for his band, where he played drums. But when the band ended, the writing stayed and became more important than the music ever was. In his work, Koiko explores the dark, the ugly and the grim reality of the human experience and does that in an honest and evocative language. These poems are from his book, Twenty Six and Twelve.
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