Tag: Apa Shahjahan

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pandies' corner

Songs of Freedom: Dear Me…

Story by Ilma Khan, translated from Hindustani by Janees

Songs of Freedom bring stories from women — certainly not victims, not even survivors but fighters against the patriarchal status quo with support from the organisation Shaktishalini

–Sanjay Kumar, founder, pandies‘1

Dr.Ilma Khan is 24 years old, was born and brought up in Rampur, Uttar Pradesh, India. She is studying BUMS (Bachelor of Unani Medicine & Surgery) and currently practising in the same field. Ilma loves to describe herself as ambitious, flawless and fearless, believing in ‘good vibes’, big dreams, and self-love always.

Dear Me . . .

2023

This year I met the most broken version of me, but also the strongest…

24 years ago…

Wednesday, 11 November 1998,

I was born into a family where when a woman is pregnant, she was expected to deliver a baby boy, but I was born…

I do not remember my childhood, but I do remember my family always wanting a boy. And so here we are with seven sisters now and one brother. I always wonder why they always wanted a son? What would have changed in their lives if they had a male child?

This greatly impacted my life and I decided to take matters in hand. I decided to do all the work which a boy could do. That didn’t seem to help much because I was constantly reminded of my ‘disabilities’, that ‘physically I was a girl and I should know my limits’, that I ‘should remember that one day when I would turn eighteen and I would get married. My parents’ house was just another impermanent motel’.

So, I started believing that this is my parents’ house and after marriage I would go to my husband’s house. But what if … they tell me someday that, ‘this is NOT YOUR home!’.

THEN WHERE EXACTLY IS MY HOME?

— LETTER TO MYSELF —

Dear Ilma,
I am meeting you after so long. You know it's been six years since we talked…
Just wanted to tell you that you were so genuine and innocent. I remember you always worried about little things, but you know this time it's different -- as in a ‘good different’. The Ilma I know now is strong enough to face her own journey. She has faith that she can always stand up for herself. The only things that haven't changed are the fact that she still likes to chill like you, she loves the rain, she does everything which is full of madness and enjoys every little moment of her life, she loves snow too…Though you were quieter than her you know. This Ilma -- she is aggressive, bold -- unlike your shy and scared self…
Oh yes and her nails have finally grown. She doesn't gnaw her nails like you. She loves to put paint on these. Can you imagine that?

Since that time, I started dreaming of having my home, a life full of adventures and freedom. But as I grew older, my family and relatives started asking about marriage. I was studying in college at that time.

I was completely shattered that I was very close to my career goals, but all this will stop me from achieving my dreams. Religion of course played a very important role in my life, as I was allowed to do things under ‘some limits’ because my family believed so.

I was just sixteen years old when my engagement was fixed with one of my cousins while my heart cried out in loud protest. But I was not able to express this to anyone. I decided that I would do something for myself — so that I could respond to all that was happening to me in which family members were complicit.

I had studied hard. When I completed school. I gave entrance exams and got selected for the medical profession. Since that time, I have been trying to tell my family members that I do not want to marry the person they choose.

Everything was going fine. I was living my life, but one call changed everything.

— LETTER TO MYSELF —

Dear Ilma,

I know you always wonder how you will pursue your career, how you will live your life if allowed to live on your own terms, about how smooth things will go if a person or your family will let you go or just abandon you or not want you to live by their rules.
But don't worry now because time has changed things, she is doing every single thing step by step, the way you thought it would be in future.
She is here to fulfill your dreams. I know you love to help the one in need. You know she has got a platform where she learns these things and is helping other ‘survivors’.
I promise when you will see this Ilma, you will be amazed because she is exactly the way you wanted her to be.

My mother called me, and said, “We are coming to pick you up after 3 days. You are getting married. Resign and come back with us. We have to do the preparations.”

I was silent. I could not utter a single word during the call. A feeling of hopelessness and helplessness mauled at me.

Somehow, I managed to muster the courage, assemble my shattered self together and called my mother –

“I don’t want to resign. I want to work. I want to be financially independent. I can’t marry now. This is not the right time.”

“No! You are 23 now and this is the right age. We have made the decision!”

“I don’t want to marry that person. He is annoying and this is final! I am not coming home!”

“How dare you talk like this?  We are coming now to get you and you have to come with us. There’s nothing you can do about it.”

I was thinking about my next step. I took help from an NGO2 and they helped me. When my parents came, they promised that they would not ask me to marry any person and they would allow me to study. Somehow, they managed to convince me emotionally, and I decided to go back home with them to celebrate the festival of Eid.

When we were home, suddenly the behaviour of my mother changed, she snatched my phone and said, “Now do whatever you can? We will see how you will say no to marriage. There, we were helpless because of that NGO but now it’s all our say.”

REMEMBER THAT HEIGHT OF FEAR WHEN…

Her parents abused her physically with a belt, blood was coming out from her nose and head.
After all those arguments her parents finally decided to take her life and locked her in a room. 
She was locked up in a room, with no hope of light in the darkest time. She was afraid, they were talking outside the room – planning and plotting. Her uncle was fighting with her family members to let her live. He was asking them not to kill her – to spare her. She lost all hope. Every second she was breathing, thinking this could be the last, this could be the last… this could… be the… last.  
It was difficult to control her emotions. Her nose was bleeding, her tears were not coming out, her lips were dry with fear, she was shivering that this could be her last day and she could do nothing to save herself.
You’re alive today, Ilma. You lived through that time. The peak of fear.

But somehow, I was saved… and then I was screaming, crying… I wanted to disappear.

The next day I decided to do anything and everything to save myself, my life. I contacted many NGOs and left my home…and never looked back. How did it all happen? I am yet to make sense of it. One moment, I was trapped and hopeless, and the next moment, I was running for life.

Since then, I have been independently living on my own. I am currently studying, and at some point, I think that everything needs to be left alone – your past, even your pain.

But, yes, I remember when I was young, I thought that I would be helping poor people and I would do something through which I could be the person who would make others happy…

I decided to be a doctor and today it gives me hope and happiness which I cannot define in words. The very first time when I went to the gynaecology department and my duty was in the labour room. When I went there regularly for one month, I used to practice how to deliver a baby. After a few months, I learnt to do that on my own and when I helped one of my patients in delivering her baby, that was the best thing that ever happened to me in life…

The smiles on their faces were precious. Her mother-in-law gave me her blessings and all of them were just so happy.

So many times, I have tried to save the lives of people, pushing through to give them hope even if the situations are not in their favour.

Today when I go to the hospital and my patients, who are very ill and are in pain, give their blessings placing their trust in me, I realise what I’m living for.

YOU SHOULD KNOW --

You were in a toxic relationship, you know, you should know about red flags now. Why do you chase such people who don't value you, who don't care about the efforts you put into everything? You know she wants to be valued and respected by every individual she has in her life.
Things are very different now, but those memories of you with your family, she misses that.
Tell everyone in the past that she has moved on from things and no one can make her feel inferior.
And at last, I just want to say that I am so proud of everything you’ve done. Because of you, she discovered that she is fierce, and strong, and full of fire, and that not even she could hold herself back because her passion burned brighter than her fears.
Will meet you soon. Love and only love.
ME. YOU. US.

I faced a lot of hardships in life – mentally, physically, verbally, and socially. Despite being triggered by those memories I chose to live… I chose to live freely, I chose to love myself, I chose to owe myself a life which I dreamt of from an early age.

I was scared, but I realised that I am my own power. On certain days, when self-doubts creep in, I tell myself that I am worth every great thing. All that I have done till now. I am capable of reaching my dreams even if they’re beyond the stars. It’s only a matter of time. You look back and thank yourself for not giving up and for treating yourself with respect and kindness.

Now I am manifesting my life, my dream and everything I have wanted. I am becoming the best version of myself, and I deserve good things. This moment is always precious to me, the most satisfying moment of my life.

And I think once you choose HOPE, everything is possible in life…

  1.  “Establishing itself as a premier women’s organisation in India from 1987, Shaktishalini has spread out and deals with all kinds of gender based violence. A shelter home, a helpline and more than that a stunning activist passion are the hallmarks of this organisation. 
    “pandies and Shaktishalini – different in terms of the work they do but firmly aligned in terms of ideological beliefs and where they stand and  speak from. It goes back to 1996 when members of the theatre group went to the Shaktishalini office to research on (Dayan Hatya) witch burning for a production and got the chance to learn from the iconic leaders of Shaktishalini, Apa Shahjahan and Satya Rani Chadha. And collaborative theatre and theatre therapy goes back there. It is a mutual learning space that has survived over 25 years. Collaborative and interactive, this space creates anti-patriarchal and anti-communal street and proscenium performances and provides engaging workshop theatre with survivors of domestic and societal patriarchal violence. Many times we have sat together till late night, in small or large groups debating what constitutes violence? Or what would be gender equality in practical, real terms? These and many such questions will be raised in the stories that follow.” — Sanjay Kumar ↩︎
  2. Non-governement Organisation ↩︎

Janees is an independent researcher and theatre practitioner associated with Pandies’ for quite some time.

PLEASE NOTE: ARTICLES CAN ONLY BE REPRODUCED IN OTHER SITES WITH DUE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT TO BORDERLESS JOURNAL

Click here to access the Borderless anthology, Monalisa No Longer Smiles

Click here to access Monalisa No Longer Smiles on Kindle Amazon International

Categories
pandies' corner

Songs of Freedom: An Ordinary Tale

Story by Nandani, translated from Hindustani by Janees

Songs of Freedom bring stories from women — certainly not victims, not even survivors but fighters against the patriarchal status quo with support from the organisation Shaktishalini[1]

–Sanjay Kumar, founder, pandies‘


Nandani is an 18 year-old from Delhi, currently studying in the 10th grade. In her free time, she loves to read biographies, hang out with her friends, dancing and singing. She calls books as good friends of hers and looks forward to travelling across the world once in her lifetime. 

An Ordinary Tale

A story set in the year 2002. An ordinary story I must tell.

When a girl child is born in a Panditfamily, the mother welcomes Goddess Lakshmi. But the mother-in-law is unable to fathom bahu’s [2] joy over the girl baby. Call it outdated, archaic, outmoded. For the saas[3], a son would have proven to be a boon, a blessing straight from the heavens, a support to the family’s genes. She, like many others, was of the belief that a girl born is nothing but a burden who must be ‘disposed’ off to another family at the earliest. What are women but estranged wealth?! The world is run by men, their divine masculinities, their valour, by their being. Women are absolute subordinates to men. She failed to understand that being born a ‘male’ is simply a matter of – birth.

But bahu was not ready to give up. She would put in efforts to make her family think otherwise. She named her daughter Avantika. When Avantikahad grown up a bit, the saas one day cunningly said, “Bahu! See I like to put forward things as they are, no sugar-coating. I want you to focus on giving birth to my grandson now. I hope I will not be disappointed this time.”

The poor bahu was busy attending household chores. She tended to ignore the otherwise outrageous demands the mother-in-law burdened her with. Meanwhile the saas thought to herself, “Now that I have explicitly expressed my wish to bahu, maybe it’s better to let my raja beta[4] know of my justified desire.” So, she made sure she had her wish conveyed to her son. “My dear son, I have expressed my wish to Bahu – for a grandson, with whom I can enjoy the joys of grandmotherhood.” For the son, the mother’s wish was as good as a divine decree.

The bahu, who has overheard their conversation, felt betrayed and outraged. “How could you say yes on my behalf? What about my consent? I am not ready for another child. You don’t have a job. You don’t let me go out and work. You are living off your mother’s expenses… drinking, beating me to death every night! I don’t want to traumatise another child the way Avantikahas been traumatised.”

Her husband retorted, “How dare you? Who are you to stop me from taking decisions?” Basically, what he meant was that she was his slave and had no authority in deciding how many kids she wanted, when to have and so on and so forth.

The saas interfered in the matter and somehow convinced, or rather forcibly convinced the bahu to bear a child. We will not go into the details of this.

2005

Another girl child was born! The saas, was not just disappointed this time. She experesses her intolerance of this development. “All I ever wanted was one grandson! Not five or eight. Bahu is deliberately depriving me of this privilege. It was wrong of me to trust her.” Again, she simply failed to comprehend how sex and science works!

With the birth of Nira, the bahu’s life became hell … rather was made hell by her mother-in-law and husband. Violence grew. “Ever since this girl has taken birth, a curse has taken over the joys and prosperity of our home. I refuse to accept her.  Her arrival is a time of tribulation for us.”

The contempt and disgust if the saas towards the bahu and her daughters were echoed by the husband and father, who had turned more violent than before, and why not ? He had all the more reason to inflict pain on his wife. Backed by his mother, he started beating his wife every day, cursed her all day. When Niraturned one-and-a-half, the hostility worsened. The bahu turned numb. A wish as simple as wanting a decent life was out of her reach. “Because of you I live a miserable life despite being a man. You are the reason my brothers and mother don’t respect me. You and your daughters have ruined my relations with them….”

One day something changed. She mustered the courage to say ‘no’ despite the routine beatings. She was not willing to take it anymore and so, with her two little daughters, she decided to leave the house.

“I have not sinned. I have given birth to daughters and that is no sin. There is not a single defect in me or my daughters. It is you, your intentions, and your mentality that is defective…I reject living a life like this.”

She sought refuge at her paternal home and soon began working to support her daughters. Now, she had a life that promised, to all intents and purposes, a relief from the darkness of the past. A few months later, she fell in love with a colleague at work. Nobody knew what occurred to her, but leaving her two daughters behind, the mother eloped with the lover to start a new life. She turned blind to the plight of her own daughters who were just starting out with the promise of a fresh start.

Avantika and Nira, unaware that another calamity had befallen them, adapted to the new life under the shadow of their maternal grandmother, their nani. Unable to look after the girls with growing time, nani took a difficult call due to her ailing health. “Can you look after the girls when I die? Can you take care of them?” she asked her other daughter (the girls’ aunt). “I wish I could…but in today’s time managing two more children… It’s beyond my capacity…I understand what they mean to you…so for you maybe I can look after Avantika, the elder one…however, something must be done about Nira…”

A few weeks later, the nani sent for their aunt and said, “I am here today, but who knows about tomorrow? We must take final decisions with regards to Avantika and Nira. All they have is me. I am glad you took charge of one of them. But something must be thought about the other as well. I am sure God will send help.”

“Mother, I have an acquaintance who is associated with a shelter home. Sending Nirato a girls’ hostel should take care of our worries. Let me get in touch with her.”

Little Nirawas sent to a girls shelter home. She cried a lot on separation from sister and nani. A year later the news of nani’s death upended the girls’ lives. Trying to cope with the grief, they adapted to their new lives – one day at a time, one goal at a time.

2023

Both Avantika and Nira are growing up at their own pace – finding new goals to focus on. They are not together, nor are they in touch. But they are fighters and survivors. And this is how this story has end for the time being. However, certain questions continue to haunt me…

Do you discriminate between a son and a daughter? What would Avantika and Nira’s mother do if her parents did not offer to support her? Can women discriminate against other women? Why is it that a woman often finds it difficult to find solidarities from fellow women?

It is quite difficult to single out the oppressor and the oppressed in this story, however, that does not spare us from rejecting to inflict this age-old atrocity on our women. This has to stop with our generation.

.

[1] “Establishing itself as a premier women’s organisation in India from 1987, Shaktishalini has spread out and deals with all kinds of gender based violence. A shelter home, a helpline and more than that a stunning activist passion are the hallmarks of this organisation. 

“pandies and Shaktishalini – different in terms of the work they do but firmly aligned in terms of ideological beliefs and where they stand and  speak from. It goes back to 1996 when members of the theatre group went to the Shaktishalini office to research on (Dayan Hatya) witch burning for a production and got the chance to learn from the iconic leaders of Shaktishalini, Apa Shahjahan and Satya Rani Chadha. And collaborative theatre and theatre therapy goes back there. It is a mutual learning space that has survived over 25 years. Collaborative and interactive, this space creates anti-patriarchal and anti-communal street and proscenium performances and provides engaging workshop theatre with survivors of domestic and societal patriarchal violence. Many times we have sat together till late night, in small or large groups debating what constitutes violence? Or what would be gender equality in practical, real terms? These and many such questions will be raised in the stories that follow.” — Sanjay Kumar

[2] Daughter-in-law

[3] Mother-in-law

[4] Beta is son and raja is king

Janees is an independent researcher and theatre-practitioner who has been associated with Pandies for the past six years.

PLEASE NOTE: ARTICLES CAN ONLY BE REPRODUCED IN OTHER SITES WITH DUE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT TO BORDERLESS JOURNAL

Click here to access the Borderless anthology, Monalisa No Longer Smiles

Click here to access Monalisa No Longer Smiles on Kindle Amazon International

Categories
pandies' corner

Songs of Freedom: Moh-Reen

Story by Amreen, translated from Hindustani by Janees

Songs of Freedom bring stories from women — certainly not victims, not even survivors but fighters against the patriarchal status quo with support from the organisation Shaktishalini.[1]

–Sanjay Kumar, founder, pandies

Amreen hails from Khadoli village in Uttar Pradesh. She is 22 and currently pursuing distance education to complete her high school. She courageously braves writing down a peek of her life’s challenges as a survivor/fighter of gender and religion-based abuse with the intention of providing support and solidarity to underprivileged and disadvantaged women around the world.

Moh-Reen

How am I at fault Ammi? Abbu?

Are you upset that I am alive? (Does my being alive upset you to the core?)

You never tried to reach me, even for once!

You have never asked me how I was doing, never enquired whether Amreen was even alive….

I want to ask who gets to decide my worth?

Why have I been rendered helpless to make my own decisions?

Why is the conflict between humanity and religion forced upon us time and again? Are you telling me they cannot go hand-in-hand in harmony?

There always had been huge sermons on the unity of religions…of how all paths lead to the same God (Ishwar)…then why wasn’t my marriage with Mohit acceptable? Were we not in sync with our God who is the same, just called by different names?

Amreen hails from a small village, ‘Khadoli’ in the Meerut district of India’s largest state, Uttar Pradesh (UP). She is currently living in Delhi…but in fear…She has fled home.

Year 2005

Amreen, lovingly called ‘Lalli’, had a pleasant childhood…She would even go on describing it as happy and beautiful. Getting dressed for school early morning, then school, followed by a wave of excitement as the clock struck 3 and she was home. At home, she would have lunch in a rush only to catch up with her friends. Lalli loved her friends, what she loved more was spending time with them. After a long day of play and fun, Lalli would go back home and refuse to help with chores. After all, she had worked so hard at playing.

She loved wandering in the alleys of her village and wouldn’t trade anything in this world for that freedom.

Year 2010

Lalli’s life suddenly took a turn. Her elder sister got married as a virtue of which Lalli dropped out of school. Now her days were mostly marked with helping her Ammi with never-ending household chores. She lost touch with friends. Lalli had to grow up  at a tender age.

Amreen would get lost in her desperation and sing to herself: “The darkness has set foot on our path for a long time, come what may the sun must rise now…”

Year 2019

This is the year Mohit took their companionship and love a step ahead and proposed to Amreen.

“Put your hand in mine, with a promise of a love lifelong, I shall stand by your side.”

“I yearn to walk all my life with you. Let’s embark on this journey hand in hand, faith in souls.”

Year 2020

Amreen mustered the courage and disclosed her decision of marrying Mohit. She put in everything to convince her family. But is there a bigger sin in this world than loving/marrying someone from a different faith or caste? It turns out it’s a sin bigger than murdering entire humankind.

The moment Amreen disclosed her yearning to be with Mohit to her family, she understood what she had signed up for. All the mental and physical abuse on one side and now, her marriage was fixed with a man from her community. Yet she braved the decision to keep on trying to convince them, only to be met with pain and despair. Where else does one go with expectations and burdens other than to a family?

There seemed no other way, but the one Amreen dreaded the most. She never wanted to elope. In fact, she was hopeful that as parents, her Ammi and Abbu would understand her, or at least prioritise her happiness over all else. But alas, to fit into a society!

March 16, 2020

Amreen and Mohit left their respective homes. They embarked on a journey to make a home to be called theirs. They reached Delhi where a new hardship was awaiting their arrival. Due to the outbreak of Covid-19, a nation-wide lockdown was announced. As a result, all the courts were suspended indefinitely. Amreen needed a place to stay in the new city. She couldn’t live with Mohit. They feared the reactions of their families.  What if the police were after them and Mohit would be framed falsely in the case? What if the patriarchs of both the families were on their way to kill them? What if their village was being torn apart by communal violence because of what they had done?

Amidst this, the lockdown!

During this time, Dhanka Sanstha (an organisation for interfaith couples) and Shakti Shalini (an NGO that supports victims of gender and sexual violence) came to Amreen’s rescue. For the first time in her life, Amreen felt cared for, supported for her decision-making ability, and came to know what solidarity feels like.

July 29, 2020

After all the hardships and agony that Moh-Reen went through, the day they had been desperately seeking finally arrived. Amreen and Mohit tied the knot.

Year 2021

Moh-Reen were blessed with a little angel, whom they named, ‘Tamanna’ — a wish. It was their wish to have a daughter, a wish fulfilled. But it seemed Mohit’s family were upset with the sex of the child. They wanted a son – a son they would call theirs, not Muslim woman’s daughter.

It had only been five days after Tamanna was born and Amreen was brought home, that Mohit’s family started mistreating her. She was denied food. For days Amreen was only able to have tea and biscuits, which was also the time Tamanna was being breast fed by her famished mother. Amreen patched up with her elder sister, the only family member who was considerate enough to stay in contact. Her elder sister couldn’t bear to look at Amreen’s plight and took her home along with Tamanna, where they looked after the mother and child for almost two months.

The mistreatment continued even after Amreen moved back with Mohit’s family. She was verbally abused by her mother-in-law and sister-in-law for giving birth to a girl.

February 10, 2022

The previous year’s series of agonising events finally made Moh-Reen move out and rent a place of their own. Mohit, Amreen, and Tamanna live here peacefully. Amreen hopes her story is not confined within the frame of a short story but goes beyond touching lives of many people…even if it means changing a single woman’s life for good.

Mohit wants to fulfil Amreen’s dreams. Amreen is currently enrolled in tenth standard [grade] to catch up on her studies. She is on her to become someone – somebody known for her own self, where she will be known by her name and not just as someone’s wife, daughter, or mother.

Are we going to end this story with the same questions as asked in the beginning? Or are there questions that need to be asked from your side as well? There’s one definite question for sure – whom will you hold accountable?

.

Janees is an independent researcher and theatre-practitioner who has been associated with Pandies for the past five years.

[1] “Establishing itself as a premier women’s organisation in India from 1987, Shaktishalini has spread out and deals with all kinds of gender based violence. A shelter home, a helpline and more than that a stunning activist passion are the hallmarks of this organisation. 

“pandies and Shaktishalini – different in terms of the work they do but firmly aligned in terms of ideological beliefs and where they stand and  speak from. It goes back to 1996 when members of the theatre group went to the Shaktishalini office to research on (Dayan Hatya) witch burning for a production and got the chance to learn from the iconic leaders of Shaktishalini, Apa Shahjahan and Satya Rani Chadha. And collaborative theatre and theatre therapy goes back there. It is a mutual learning space that has survived over 25 years. Collaborative and interactive, this space creates anti-patriarchal and anti-communal street and proscenium performances and provides engaging workshop theatre with survivors of domestic and societal patriarchal violence. Many times we have sat together till late night, in small or large groups debating what constitutes violence? Or what would be gender equality in practical, real terms? These and many such questions will be raised in the stories that follow.” — Sanjay Kumar

.

PLEASE NOTE: ARTICLES CAN ONLY BE REPRODUCED IN OTHER SITES WITH DUE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT TO BORDERLESS JOURNAL